Friday, January 26, 2007

Masked

Everyday I wear a mask
Hiding my every thought
No one knows my true identity
They only know what I am not
All anyone ever sees
Is a brain and an average face
But no one sees the true things
That make my very heart race
No one sees the dreadful pain
That I have suffered through
And no one hears the awful screams
That gnaws at everything true
I must break the fragile white mask
So that I am not hiding anymore
I must let go of my insecurity
So I can be free once more

by Stacey de Luna

Innocent Questions

It seems to me like I can't talk to him or ask him about certain things anymore. He always thinks that Im complaining or accusing him of something. Im really not. Sometimes I am but the majority of the time, it's completely innocent and I have no agenda behind it. It just comes up in conversation and I become curious and so I ask. But that's it, nothing more. In a way it is my fault that he feels that way because, I did that alot in the beginning and I did always think there was something more going on. Yes, I do have some insecurities, who doesnt? But when I do have a question that has to do with an insecurity, I specificly let him know. But the rest of the time it's just something that comes up and I get curious so I ask just to know how he feels about something or how he is about some things. I'm not looking to make a conversation out of it, just a simple and clear answer and thats it. My nature has always been very curious, very nosy. I like to know everything. I like to ask alot of questions. I don't know why, it's just who I am, and most of the time I don't see any harm in it.
But know I feel like I need to start being more careful about certain things I talk about or bring up. I have to be more careful about what questions I may want to ask. I don't want to be upsetting him. But I also want him to understand that they are just silly questions that don't mean anything.
I wanna make him happy and I don't want to loose him over something silly and frivolous. But at the same time my quirks make me who I am. In order to have a balance what things should I give up and more importantly how much?
I don't really know what I should do. He's not only my significant other but also my best friend and confidant. My girlfriends live in another state. I don't really have anyone out here except for him, if I can't talk to him about certain things, who else can I talk to?
I love him, I love him to death. I just want to try to make him as happy as I can. I want him to be happy with me. I want to be good enough for him, and sometimes I don't feel like I am. He doesn't make me feel that way, I just feel like I'm not good enough. Like there is someone out there that is so much better for him. But I know how he feels. I know he feels that I'm the best thing. And honestly that helps a little.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Temas Necesarios Para Mantener Mi Cordura

Bueno voy a tratar de escribir un post en espanol. Pero no se que bien escrito va estar. No puedo garantizar nada.

Comenze el ano nuevo con la gente mas importante en mi vida, o sea mis mejores amigas y mi novio. Tambien vi a mi prima que no la habia visto en seis anos. Entre el ano nuevo alegre y en buena salud pero sin dinero. Pero no me puedo quejar.

Ahora para comenzar otro tema. Tengo una cosa en la cabeza que me sigue molestando. No querio seguir jodiendo pero siento que es necesario sacarme esta duda de mi cabeza. Porque si no me pongo mas loca de lo que ya estoy. Yo lo amo, y se lo digo siempre. El es mas de acciones que de palabras. Y eso esta bien, porque es mas facil hablar que hacer. El dice que si me ama, pero, como que no le creo mucho. Primero, cuando le digo esas palabras el como que se rie y dice si, pero nada mas. Entonces claro que yo me siento idiota por haberle dicho que lo amo. Segundo, cuando le digo que me diga que me ama, lo dice pero como que he doesn't mean it. Aunque el insiste que si. Pero me da mucha duda. Entonces este es mi punto. Yo no mas quiero saber si el verdaderamente me ama, o lo dice por decir. Yo se que el no es asi, pero tal vez este caso es asi. Si el no me ama, esta bien. No voy a decir que no va a doler, claro que si. Pero no voy a dejar de quererlo por eso. Y no me voy a enojar tampoco. Yo solo quiero saber la verdad. Quiero que sea honesto conmigo, sea lo que sea, pase lo que pase.
No es que quiero que se ponga incomodo, o se sienta mal, es que necesito saber para mantener la cordura. Asi puedo dejar esa duda por ultima vez y seguir adelante. Tampoco estoy diciendo que necesito que me este diciendo que me ama a cada rato, porque you se que el no es asi, y no tengo poblema con eso. La unica cosa que quiero saber es que si me ama o que no.
Tambien hay otra cosa pero no es nada de importancia, solo de curiosidad. Si de verdad el me ama, quiere eso decir que yo soy la primera que el a amado, o me ama del mismo modo que el amo a su otras dos novias, o me ama mas? El tiene otra idea de como es el amor. Entonces mi pregunta es, de que forma es que el me ama? (si es verdad que me ama).

Finalmente, hay una cosa que tengo que mencionar. Es una cosa que me pone de un pelo!! Cuando you hago una pregunta, por ejemplo, "cuales son unas de las cosas que tengo mal?", y el me dice, "solo cosas" o simplemente no me contesta. Si no es miedo que tiene, entonces que me diga, don't avoid the question, PLEASE!! Eso fue algo de anoche, pero no solo fue anoche. Han abido otras ocasiones cuando el se ha portado de esa misma manera. Si el me pregunta algo, yo se lo digo. Im not going to avoid the question. Pero no quiero decir que lo voy a dejar de querer, yo lo acepto y lo quiero de la manera que es.

Bueno, ya exprese unos temas, que yo necesitaba expresar. Ahorra a ver que pasa. No se si se va a ser dificil de entender. No se si deletrea todo mal. Pero por lo menos hice el esfuerzo.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Too Good to be True...???

There is pessimistic saying, "If it's too good to be true, then it probably is."
Well since I have not always been so lucky with life, I have always believed that. Especially with men. I don't have high expectations for them. Men, whether it be boyfriends or my father, have always let me down in life. But now there is one person, that has met all my expectations, and not only that he has exceeded them. For me he has gone over and beyond all my expectations. He literally has been the first man, besides my papi, who has never disappointed me. So far so good. Every day I see him i continue to fall more in love with him. The one thing I swore I would never do again. But of course all this scares me and its almost like i refuse to believe that its as good as it seems. So, i always try to find things that aren't there, to prove to myself that he is just like every other guy. I keep proving myself wrong over and over again. Lately I've been doing alot of arguing and for what? So that i lose an amazing guy? Because that is what im doing, pushing him away until i lose him for good. I need to stop doubting him and myself. I need to believe in him. He's told me "When you find someone good, you treat them good because you want to hold onto them." That is true. He has been more to me than any other man. I know this sounds corny and cliche, but its all very true. I need to hold onto this man and treat him the way that he deserves to be treated. He deserves someone who will love him, and care about him and trust him. I want to be that someone. But i do need to get my act together, otherwise i WILL lose him.
I love you. You are everything to me. I would do anything to not lose you. I want to have you by my side. Just give me a little time. Please don't give up on us, our relationship is worth it, I promise.