A Thought

Since I met him, as I have already said, I have some very strong feelings for him. I hate feeling like this but I can't shake it off. The sad thing is I know he doesn't feel the same way. I also know that this is going to be the guy that really hurts me. But I'm still going to take a chance despite it all. I'm just going to have to be careful and have an open mind. Just go with the flow right now and if later certain things do not change and they truly are an issue for me then I will have to talk about it with him and probably separate myself from him. The other sad thing is that there is another guy who really is great and have a lot in common as well. He is someone who would do all the things this one won't. He has strong feelings for me. And I really wish I had them for him as well. But right now my heart is yearning for the one who will tear it into pieces. I must accept this fate tho, I have hurt many guys who have not deserved it only for revenge against Adam. And just like Erick must pay the price with karma, I will have to do the same. The time for me to pay has come and I need to be prepared for it because I fear it will be very painful for me

Karma

When I lived in AZ there was this guy Erick that I was kinda seeing. I didn't really like him but he was alright. In the end he was so annoying and constantly got on my nerves and I was so mean to him. He always came back and kept telling me he liked me so much. Two weeks into it he tells me he loves me. WHATEVER! Anyways I figured I only had to deal with him for a couple more weeks because I was moving to a different state. After I moved out here to Vegas I told him I didn't have time for him and to leave me alone. He kept bothering me by calling and sending stupid text messages. Yesterday he kept calling and texting, it drove me nuts.
I was at school yesterday at around 3 when I got a message from a woman named, Rosemary. Her message said that she had seen some texts on her husband Erick's phone and wanted to know what was going on, to please call her. I thought she was nuts and I knew it wasn't the same Erick but since she was nice I decided to call her to put her out of her doubt. So I left her a message telling her I knew an Erick but it wasn't the same one. Finally at around 5 we were able to actually speak with each other. She said that some of the texts were from him to me saying "Porque no me contestas?" which means "why don't you answer me?". At that exact moment I knew it was him. The fucken asshole was MARRIED! I didn't care because I didn't give two shits about him and I was using him but I was pissed because he cheated on his wife with me! I was the homewrecker.
So I had to tell her everything that happened and he was in the car listening to the whole thing. I told her I had no idea he was married, that if I had know this would have never happened. I have a great deal of respect for women and relationships and I would never ever do something like that. She told me it was ok that he had done that to her before. You know what makes me sad about all of this? That she's so stupid because she's never going to leave him.
This is where I believe karma takes care of everything. He's getting sent back to Mexico. This is exactly was he was scared of and had been dreading. He got what he deserved. And what's more funny is that while he was treating his wife like shit, I was treating him like shit and I know he was so miserable.
Gotta love karma
I just can't believe he was married. How could he do that to his wife? I was so angry all day yesterday. it's just so mind numbing to me. Also because I had never been in a situation like that. I know I have no fault in this but I still can help it. I'm so mad and shocked all at the same time.

Feelings

I haven't felt this way since Adam. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt these feelings resurfacing. I didn't think that I would ever feel like this again, at least not for a long time. Its been a long time that someone has come around that I actually really like. I keep trying to do homework but I keep getting distracted thinking about him. I'm afraid I might be falling for him. A couple of days ago he kissed me. It was such a passionate kiss. It was amazing. He was so polite to. He wasn't trying to grope me or anything. He didn't try anything all he did was kiss me and hold me. I've never had a guy like that. I'm so taken by him.
We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same views in life. I think this is what I have been looking for.
I haven't wanted a boyfriend because no one has been worth it to me and mainly because I just don't think I'm ready yet for another serious relationship. But I do want someone there. Not for sex but someone that I like and feel comfortable with. I guess, I don't want a boyfriend but at the same time I want someone that kind of is. We talked last night about all these issues. We got it all out there. He told me he liked me and wanted to continue being with me but he wasn't ready yet for a serious committed relationship and I told him that I already knew that and was fine with it. But there was not going to be any sex. I told him I wasn't like that. He didn't have a problem with that at all and told me he respected me. I told him I was just going to go with the flow and whatever happened, happened. He agreed with me and said that's what he was going to do as well. I think this is going to work out just fine. We get to be with each other but we still get to live our lives how we want and not be tied down. I'm not sure if what I wrote makes any sense or sounds dysfunctional but it works out for both of us and I think that's all that matters. Sometimes you can't help who you like but you might not be ready to give up who you are. That might sound selfish, yes, but if you can find someone that feels how you do then that's great.

Clashing Personalities

So i just moved to vegas about a month and a half ago and until recently I was depressed because I didnt know anyone out here. I moved out here from AZ. I got a job at this great Cuban restaurant. I love everyone that I work with...well almost. I've started making friends at work, and I love them. They're great people. There is just one person that is a bit difficult. My manager. He's a cool guy but I think we have the same personalities so therefore we are always clashing. I just want to be able to get along and not argue. Its tiresome. It's difficult because he's so contradicting of himself. First he'll tell me to stop talking and do some work (always when the restaurant is empty and there is nothing to do) then when there is actually work that needs to get done and im hustlin' , he tells me to sit down, relax, and let the bussers take care of it because it's their job. Then tonight he asks me why im always staring at him? That its annoying. WHAT THE FUCK? Is he crazy? I told him I wasn't and I dont, that I was looking around because I was waiting for my food. He's insisting that im staring at him, so I just told him "Look, im not staring at you, im just looking around, im sorry if it seems like I am". I dont understand him, he's either bipolar or he's constantly stressed (which I dont blame him, because he's the only manager and works all day, 7 days a week). I just want to be able to stop all this. I love where I work and what I do and I get amazing tips! But I hate the bickering!
What should i do? What's more important to me? What do i want to deal with? Lately i just leave work all depressed and wanting to cry because of this issue. He's not just like that with me, he's like that with just about everyone..but there are certain that he gets on my case about that he sees the other servers doing and doesnt say a single thing. Its not that i want to please him but i dont want to keep whatever it is going on. I know I shouldn't take it personal because that's how he is but it's hard not to. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel incompetent.